How pleasant would it be
To blame our greatest people-powered disasters
On outside forces
Like washed-up heroes
Desperate for an insidious plot
Finally our blanks penciled in
By a deception
We never thought capable
Or logical

On April 20th, 2010
When an explosion on the
Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig
Spilled history into the Gulf of Mexico
Spiking the punch of our ocean
Our Earth, once more
Finally, the truth of fault was uncovered
And we were not to blame

It was NOT our very human nature
Or a series of failed checks and balances
Hell no!
It was NOT a repugnantly ignorant CEO
Or a negligent administration
That let the sludge flow or caused it in the first place
Hell no!
Let there be pitchforks and
Riots in the streets!
The villain was instead the very wigs
Atop our bald or balding chrome-domes
A twist so bizarre
So preposterous
That its fibers
Have long been pulled down from our skulls
And over our eyes

Weaving through our history
The ancient parasite
A dormant relic of perverted evolution
Became attracted to the worst of us
When the first of us knew power and
Shame and
Like a leech
Began to slither its strands of mind-controlling corruption
In through our follicles, past skin and skull
To the brains of us
Susceptible to the possessed poets of cultural present
Saith Ovid of Rome
“Ugly are hornless bulls
A field without grass is an eyesore,
So is a tree without leaves,
So is a head without hair.”

Yes, it was the toupees!
Puppeteers of our experience
Spinners of our clay
Toupees that spilled oil onto the Gulf
Toupees that failed New Orleans
Toupees that killed the dodo
Toupees that murdered Professor Plum with the candlestick in The Conservatory

From Beethoven to Washington
From Caesar to Hitler
From Sinatra to Costanza
Our shame caps have been working
Their dark magic
A sick and divine plan
To first
Pollute our land enough
So that we are all left hairless
And second
To shame us into spreading their influence
In hopes of one day creating a race
Of toupee-wearing vassal mongrels
And taking over the universe

To you who this plot has just been revealed
Be wary of their influence
When the voice of BP tells us
That the environmental impact
Is likely to have been very, very modest
Or when BP assures us, it wants what’s best for us
As it or some other corporation-front leaks over 206 million gallons
Of crude oil
Know the truth
That Tony Hayward or any other spokesman fuck
Selling a strand of passing the buck
Is more likely than not
Just a pawn in the great toupee empire

Yes, if these vamparic toupees were our nightmare
And bravery to stand above social norms, our defense
The world would surely be a better place
But in knowing it is just us
All of us together
And not our parasites
Who have dammed our rivers
Dropped the atom bomb
Chopped our forests
And spit oil into our Gulf
We are better off